August 14, 2005

I wish I was an Ostrich

I wish I was, or I wish I were? Both sound right to me...

The reason why I wish I were/was an ostrich is because some time spent with my head in the sand is just what I need!

This morning I woke up to discover that my belly is now in cahoots with my brain. The mental nervousness and doubts have become manifested in a flip-floppy tummy serving as a constant reminder that I have to live. Change. Be. Find a job. Make decisions. Pressure. Choose right. Don't be wrong. Be confident. Sell yourself.

One of the downsides of spending a summer doing relatively little is you get used to having little stress, little responsibility, and little to get riled up about. Subsequently, things that could have been perfectly and unnervously handled in the past are now bearing down on me with enormous fortitude.

I have an interview on Wednesday for "The Job". Or rather, what I really want to be "The Job". I'm nervous, and I don't often get nervous. Especially not three days before the thing that I'm obsessing about.

What do I wear? They said not to get dressed up, they'll just be wearing jeans and hiking boots. But what level of casual is appropriate? I don't even have hiking boots!!! I don't want to be too dressy because then they'll write me off as too vain. I have to be the right kind of casual. Confident, outdoorsy casual, and I don't have that...

My brain is also playing horrible, horrible tricks on me. There is a slideshow of events that play over and over in my mind. This isn't new, it often creeps up on me when I'm reading or let my mind wander. It's really bringing me down. It makes me want to hide in my room. Anytime my mind finds itself free to do what it wishes I get these pangs of guilt/awkwardness/embarrassment/shame, of "why the heck did I do that??". It's awful! And no matter how many times I tell myself that that is all in the past, the scenes continue to play over and over in my mind...

These are things that happen to everyone, but for some reason I just can't let them go off into the mist like they should. They are magnets on the refridgerator that is my life. Crippling my rational functions, making me doubt, forcing me to relive silly little things that happen to everyone and are prefectly forgivable, but live on in my head nonetheless.

Like the time my sister and I were riding the ferris wheel. We just kept getting on, and the carny guy let us stay on even between rides. Sometimes he'd have to ask us to get of and get in another seat because he needed to rebalance the wheel. At first I thought he was making us get out, but he wanted us to stay, and seemed very happy that we loved the ride. The first time that happened it was fine, and I figured it out, the second time he asked us to get out, I thought he was kicking us off, so I said "Fine! We didn't want to ride it anymore, anyway." I remember turning around and seeing him stand there watching us, with a dejected look on his face... I didn't realize till a few days later what had happened. And now I think of it all the time, I want to find that guy and explain, even though he's probably forgotten the whole stupid thing.

How ridiculous is that!!! I think I was 11 at the time but I still can't seem to shake it or get it out of my mind. There are other things too... saying things when I shouldn't have, being in awkward situations, getting in trouble at school. I played soccer for a few summers, and a lot of memories from that sneak in. Not playing in the championship game of a tournament, not being able to run as far as everyone else, walking out of the gym at the beginning of grade ten with the knowledge that I wasn't good enough and not wanted on the team.

No matter how hard I try to think about the things I have succeeded at, memories sneak in. I've won things! I graduated 4th in my high school class! I've done well at a few things, but all of my failures or "not-quites" still nag at me so ferousciously!

It all only adds to my nervousness, makes me irritable and makes me wish I could just forget everything and stick my head deep under the sand until everything blows over. I've regretted putting myself out there so many other time, why will this time be any different? Why will this job interview work out when I've done so many stupid things? This mental movie is telling me that there is no reason...

It's no use though, there are always new things to worry about, consider, think about. There are always times when I need to be confident and make decisions. There's just something in my brain that doesn't want to do those things, anything!

If I don't get either of these jobs I really don't know what I'm going to do. I'll have to make decisions, change things, be more "something". But I don't know what or how, and this stupid movie keeps playing in my head, reminding me of times when I did/said something stupid... a constant reminder of let-downs and regrets.

It's just not a good feeling.

1 comment:

Becca said...

As hard as it is (I too am a chronic worrier), don't let these other previous mishaps let you think that you don't deserve this job or any other one that comes along!
Here's hoping that the interview goes well! I'd wear a nice pair of khakis or cords and a fitted t-shirt with a jean jacket or something - so you're casual and not too dressed up but you look nice too. As for the hiking boots and lack thereof, I would go for a pair of flats - as long as you're not wearing stilettos I think you're okay!