March 03, 2006

I feel Weird

It's hard to explain. I just feel weird. Like I'm not doing what I should be doing. I've had this feeling before, in university, but then it could be drowned with deadlines.

It's the big things and the little things. I don't feel like I should be at Wal-mart. I don't feel like I should be in the apartment, I don't feel like I should be going to work. It's like things just aren't fitting, like a big foot in pointy shoes...

A friend said that she'd feel more at home anywhere in Canada than anywhere in the US.

True dat. It's nothing against this place, there's nothing "wrong" here. And it's probably not even the place where I am. Maybe it's the people? The kind of people you'd find anywhere? Maybe it's just my job and the fact that when I'm off, the people I know are on, so I do nothing, go nowhere and am alone. I don't know what it is, it's probably just something I made up in my mind and now I'm stuck with some kind of huge mental barrier preventing me from "getting in" to life here...

I like the alone part, it just gets tiresome after so many weeks of consistency.

My lastest amore is "Death Cab for Cutie", I bought their album Plans on a whim and I quite love it. I had the urge to go out and buy the rest of their albums but decided that that would not be a good idea.

I got a hair cut, I bought some glasses (turns out my insurance covers the frames not the lenses, but I went for it anyway since they said I probably shouldn't be driving without them), I bought some hair dye and I'm going to go to a used book store today.

But I'm still feeling pointy shoes squishing my toes. I go back to work tomorrow for three days. We have six girls left and two go home on Monday. I feel like I'm not doing any work anymore because it's so stinking easy compared to how it was when I first started. It's not a satisfying feeling, to not be doing hard work. Although I do get to excercise my counselling muscles a little more now that we're not dealing with behaviour issues as much.

Maybe the problem is that I don't feel like I'm helping anyone. They're going home and have really not made any changes. At least not changes significant enough to overcome the culture that has been engrained in their minds since birth. They need someone walking beside them in real life, not someone pulling them along in the sur-reality that is a lock-down facility.

I need to go home and listen to music, read a book and clean-up. That'll fit me for today.


Shannon said...

So do you know how long the program is going? when it is ended, are you going to hang out for a bit? or will there even be that option?

Holly said...

Hey Ev,
I know exactly what you're talking about. I felt that way a lot last year, just thinking how I wasn't really doing anything, just going to university. I felt like I should be doing something more in life you know? Like something meaningful and worthwhile that's going to benefit the world. I know that sounds a little corny but that's how I felt. Anyway, just thought i'd let ya know you're not the only one who has felt this way! Hopefully you'll know what you want to do or what you should be doing soon so you won't have to have this feeling anymore! Can't wait to hang out again (especially if you pay for my meal again... :P) Miss you!