Non-iversary

Today is my annual "Missed the Blogging Anniversary" post. I stopped Livejournaling and switched to semi-grown-up blogging three years ago yesterday.

Three years ago is a long time to have not accomplished very much. But you know what, I'm ok with that... I guess...

I realized yesterday that tomorrow is not next week, so I'm going camping in the valley for the weekend. It'll be fun and mostly just nice to be out of the city. I had the chance to work a dayshift today, but I didn't take it and am working the night shift tonight. I should have taken it, but I just wasn't feeling another 5am morning. I actually fell asleep before midnight last night, which never happens, and I almost feel non-zombilicious today. Always a nice change.

If I get all packed tonight it'll be a gosh darn miracle, but a do-able miracle. My tent and chair have already gone on vacation, so I just have to worry about clothes, buy an air mattress because mine leaks and doesn't have a pump (I almost wrote pimp... that's an entirely different air mattress for an entirely different demographic). Hopefully I can find a flashlight because my bus doesn't arrive in the valley until 9:30 pm. Although given that I'll be in a backyard I'm not too concerned...

I haven't blogged lately because I've been focused on the faux paus of blogging (work). Somebody has to choose to do it differently, and I don't know how that's going to happen... one day at a time, I guess...

New pet peeve - text messaging. I absolutely hate it when I'm talking to someone and they pull out their little gadgety thinga ma bob and start typing away, while still talking to you. Hate it. Have some basic human respect people!! Especially when I'm telling you how to do something important at work... that makes me not want to work with you ever.

And on that note, I have laundry to do.

Pardon Me

as I barf on your shoes.

I currently have the night shift sickies. They usually strike around 4 or 5 am, resulting from I don't know what. I haven't been afflicted with the sickies in a long time, I thought it was a rookie all-nighter thing, and since I most decidedly am not an all-nighter rookie I thought I was past this stage.

But given the green colour of my gills it seems that I am not.

It could be the coffee. I don't drink caffeinated beverages because they were messing with my system and I'd get home after working all night and not be able to sleep - now that's a frustrating feeling.

But tonight I had a large cafe mocha from Timmy's, and that's what I'm gonna blame.

The night shift sickies is basically just nausea, a rock in your stomach, sensitivity to light, an inability to make rational decisions and general tomfoolery of the nervous system. It looks different for different people, but it always involves nausea. Some people get really cold and shaky, I get too warm... Basically, it sucks.

Speaking of barfing on people's shoes - a few years ago I was visiting with my aunt and uncle in Tennessee on my way home from Alabama. It was Easter weekend, and my flight was scheduled to leave on Tuesday morning.

Sunday afternoon we went to their friends house so the little ones could hunt for eggs over and over and over again. I wasn't feeling so hot, but I chalked it up to the nap I had had, since napping makes me feel yucky.

Why I didn't associate my upset tummy with the stomach flu those same little ones had recovered from a day before I arrived, I'll never know.

So we're sitting in the living room about to enjoy some Papa John's Hawaiian pizza. Things are gurgly, but I'm tough, so I ignore it.

I took one bite and knew it was over. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to make it to any kind of socially acceptable barf receptacle, so floor it was. I did however, in my manic state, try to block the flow with the lady's throw pillow, which now seems like an odd choice given the absorbency of said pillow. Later she told me she didn't care because it was from her mother-in-law. Glad I could help.

The little kids start crying, the adults start gagging. But thankfully my uncle is a nurse, and he adeptly dealt with the mess my guts had created.

It wasn't a good scene.

I then threw up every twenty minutes for the next 24 hours, so I didn't have much time to feel guilty. I moved my flight two weeks forward too, because I was in no condition to fly. So thanks to my disgestive fireworks I was able to see Graceland and the Memphis Zoo... not a bad deal!

Note to self: talking about barfing is the worst thing you can do when feeling barfy...

And then...

So I changed the layout again, not much, but I didn't like how squishy the text looked. Oh what I would do for knowledge of HTML. Heck, maybe I'll even take a course in it?

But how you ask? Considering I work an unpredictable schedule that changes at a moments notice? Well my dears, because I finally landed a full-time gig! Wahoo!

I work in a unionized environment, so it's a little complicated for you laymen, but what happened is my "knowledge" was assessed and I scored high enough to win a full-time term position. Basically what this means is I know my schedule from now until May (when the term ends). Until now I've been classed as Permanent Part Time, which means I have a guarantee of 40 hours every two weeks and all the hours above that depend on sick calls and vacation time that needs to be covered. So I've been working an average of 80 hours a pay period, but what the hours are changes on a day to day basis. My schedule now is the same shifts each pay period. I have every Friday off and four days in a row off every two weeks. It's sweet.

I added a little gadgety thing over there in the bottom right hand corner that tells me my blog currently has a Junior High reading level... I'm not sure how I feel about that but I've never really gone for literary excellence here, so I guess it's an expected result...

Speaking of reading: if you told yourself you were going to read 15 books in two months (July and August), what would you read? I was going to aim for 30 books in two months, but that's a bit lofty considering I couldn't even handle one War and Peace in 6 months.

I Tried

I thought for a minute there I might get back into regular blogging, but alas, it was not to be...

Thanks to those who replied to my "begging for comments" post. It was an attempt to see who the "stangers" out there are, but hearing from friends is OK too.

Nothing really new on the homefront. Just the regular trifecta of work, eat, sleep. Some days I go to the gym, but I don't know the word for "four" things of awesomeness. I visited with Sheamus a few days ago. Make that the strange infant that ate the baby formerly known as Sheamus because dangity dang he's getting big!

I think I have a calming effect on the child because everytime I hold him he leaves a treat in the nappy. It's not for me though, I make sure daddy gets to enjoy that particular moment of scattelogical bonding.

I've applied for some full-time terms and positions and I'm really hoping I land one. I'm antsy for some regularity because there are things in the big wide world I'd like to do, but can't since my schedule changes so frequently. We shall see...

If you like the Barenaked Ladies (or even if you don't), I suggest you check out the video in the post below. They have just released a kids album (Snacktime) and it's delicious. At least this song is... I haven't heard anything else. Enjoy.

Overheard

I overheard both of these gems in conversations at work yesterday...

14yo boy - "That guy is like, bilingual or something."

Me - "Bilingual?"

14yo boy - "Yeah, he's all happy one minute then mad the next."

Me - "You mean bi-polar?"

14yo boy - "Yeah, bi-Polish."

**********

16yo boy when talking about babies - "Eww! Then the biblical cord comes out!" (the entire conversation was extremely crude, but I didn't say anything because I was giggling too much).

Nightshifts and Other Oddities

Since working on the male unit I haven't had as many night shifts, so this morning as I was crawling into bed at 8:00 am, I discovered that falling asleep to a blazing sun is more difficult than I remember... but having been awake for almost 24 hours I somehow managed to squeeze in some shut eye.

I also had a weird, crazy, complicated dream that was as layered as a green ogre. If I know you, you were probably in it. In a change from the norm I was not packing in this dream, which hopefully doesn't mean that I'm not going anywhere anymore (literally or figuratively), cuz that would suck (though this rut is rather comfy). Kids I work with were there, professors, roomates, co-workers, family... it was a veritable cornucopia of aquaintances, I'm lucky I got out alive!

Did I mention that I changed a diaper for the first time ever in my life this past week? Because I totally did! Mom and I had been helping my brother, his wife and Sheamus (6 weeks already!) move this past week. Bro got a job on a farm in Shubenacadie and the farmer has a little house they can rent for very cheap on the property. It's pretty small and "farmesque" but it's a good deal and they can be free of extraneous family members. Anyway, one afternoon bro was at work, mom went to town to pick up SIL's prescription for mastitis (man... mastitis is not a good time), and SIL was in the shower.

So there we were, Sheamus and his favourite auntie (me) chillin' on the couch. I'm glad everyone was gone because I didn't want the judgemental eyes of experienced diaper changers judging me. It went fine, he was clean and happy, and I felt accomplished. And, to top it off, I was able to rock him to sleep without relying on the trusty Scotch from the cupboard. Nope, as long as Sheamus can suck your thumb, he's happy... that may get old when he's 5, but whateva! He's cute now and that's what counts.

Twilight before the Bloom

I like this time of year. It's around this time that I know I've reached the end alive, and though my flaky skin remains to tell the tale of a battle against indoor heating, I know that my oatmeal moisturizer will once again reign triumphant.

Soon things will start blooming, right after that last dollop of winter not dissimilar to the last popcorn kernel that pops just when you think the bag is done. I heard my grandmother once say that yellow is the first color of the year to show itself, followed by purple... I can't remember what comes next, all I know is it's pretty and probably smells nice.

In other news, my job at work as changed a little. I've moved across the hall and am now working with teenage boys. Boys are gross, and they do gross things. They stink, and burp, and stink, and pick things and then wipe it on the couch. And my word the stench of the feet! The rotting shoes! The blackened socks! Don't they notice??? Blech.

Boys also require a lot more energy. Girls at this age really don't want much to do with you. You're there to facilitate their lives and make sure they're well supplied in Tinkerbells to colour and fake nails to adorn their nicotine stained fingers (smoking's down, didn't you hear, which I think means lying is up, but I digress). Boys on the other hand, want to play with you, and argue with you, and tease, and run around, and be told nice things, and talk to you when it's time for bed because they don't wanna go to sleep.

I'm usually pretty tired at the end of a shift now, a good tired mind you, but tired none the less. I think it might even be easier to build a relationship with the boys... I don't like saying it's easy, maybe it's just faster, I don't know. I've definitely done more "youth care" over here in the last week than on the female side. It's nice though, I'm glad to see that I don't suck at it. Cuz that would be bad and I would be fired.

Saturday is the baby shower my nephew. It'll be a small crowd at my apartment, and I'm looking forward to it. I'm a bit addicted to planning and tend to go a wee bit overboard with the list making, but as long as I'm enjoying it I don't really care. The problem is getting other people to acquiesce to what I need them to do.

Today I ordered, "Announcing Baby Boy" photo thingys from Walmart and was genuinely impressed with the process. I clicked some buttons and they were ready and printed at the store 3 minutes later. I wish everything were that easy! I have the next two days off, so I'm going to start gathering supplies. I've recently learned that I love shopping for baby stuff, everything is so cute! The struggle is to find clothing outside of the blue spectrum, so I bought something red today to attempt to counter balance. I'm planning on attempting a diaper cake, I'm sure there will be photo evidence in a few days.

Annnny Minute Now

My SIL had her regular weekly doctor's appointment today and things are progessing nicely. As I'm sure you already know, my nephew, Sheamus, is due to be birthed March 7, which coincides with tomorrow. Apparantly she's 2 cm dilated and in the doctor's words, "It'd be really easy to break your water."

She didn't, so we're still waiting. We went for a walk this afternoon to try and encourage things along but as of right now I haven't received any "hadababyitsaboy" phone calls at work.

Twice this evening someone has asked me if she knows what she's having and twice I've answered "girl". I've known since... a long time that is was going to be a boy... odd...

She and my brother are currently staying at our apartment given that they're humble abode is a humble hour drive from the hospital. There is an appointment on Monday, so if things don't kick into gear over the weekend, Sheamus will likely be here by then.

I'm guessing BJ (SIL) is still feeling pretty well, given that she was skipping down the hall and running around the living room this afternoon. Mayhaps she is a bit excited?

It's really quiet at work these days... and like always, I'm in a bit of the blahs. You'd think hearing that me and three others will be presenting at the National Youth Care Conference this October in PEI would excite me, which it does, but it also makes me queasy in that "holy crap I'm presenting in front of big wigs from all around the world and I have no idea what I'm doing" kind of way.

Good times. When it's quiet at work I feel listless, aimless, and tired. Which is odd, because "busy" means threats, police, errands, swearing, needing to do, GET! ME! JUICE! and etc. But I'm a fan of chaos and emergencies, so when there aren't any I get a little bored. Maybe I should go pull the fire alarm... yeah...

So hopefully tomorrow the two of you who happen to search for J*llian, J*illian, J*illian J*ggs and stumble across my blog will see a birth announcement.

Participaction

I don't like to talk about my place of work (other than how I work a lot), due to the confidentiality issues and my employer's sensitivity to publicity. At any rate, this will probably not get me in trouble... probably...

Through my work, my pay check is controlled and influenced by various bureaucratic entities, namely the provincial government and a Union. So far I'm a fan of being in a union, as I'm likely paid a more respectable rate because there is a conglomerate to fight for me. We just signed a new contract and received a new budget, which in turn means I get a raise.

This I like. Additionally, the raise came into effect in April of '07, so once the budget comes in I get a retro check bringing me all up to date. This I like. Plus plus, we now have shift premiums which means $0.50 on top for every hour of night shift I have worked since October.

I don't know why I'm telling you this, it's probably TMI. But essentially what it means is I can go laptop shopping, and I'm very excited about this.

We're not talking windfall here, but enough to get something respectable-ish. I'm not sure what to get... I'm leaning towards an HP, mostly because I don't find the Acer brand particularly attractive (they're both the same price). I'd love to get a Mac, but they're too pricey for me. I'm also excited about the prospect of going in and paying cash for a big ticket item, instead of paying it off over time, or *gasp* saving up.

Now, actually going to the store and purchasing a laptop may take some will, as it's hard for me to go and spend any amount of money on a big purchase. Especially when it could go to many other worthy places such as my student loan. Though that already saps much of my joy as it is, I don't think I should let it take more.

I probably shouldn't talk about money. Isn't that what social convention tells us? It's not like I'm living the life of Riley over here or anything. Is it ok to say that I'm self-satisfied in knowing that I can sustain my life while also working at a *shocker* career I enjoy and actually studied to do? Cuz I'm pretty happy about that, and very grateful, because I know there are a lot of post-students out there who can't say the same thing. And don't worry, I know exactly to Whom I am grateful, as well.

Moving on.

Last year I said I was going to read War and Peace by June 1st. After about 30 pages I gave up, deciding that I didn't want to devote the time required to something I wasn't enjoying. Fortunately I have rekindled my library relationship and I've read a lot of good books lately, most recently "The Kite Runner", which I'm sure you've started reading since my last post.

Unlike last year, my current "resolution" of sorts has continued well into the second month. I haven't had any MacDonald's or fast food of most kinds (I went to Subway twice, a decision forced out of a need for convenience), and no pop. The best part is I'm not even craving it like I thought I would. Pop and fast food mean heart burn and death. That's what I keep telling myself.

And now it's lent, so ice cream (the solver of all problems) and I are now on the outs. In addition to that, I've changed my eating habits in a big way, reducing carbs, simple sugars, upping the veggie and fruit intake and reducing fats and sodium. I won't pat myself on the back just yet, as it's only been about a week. But already I can tell a difference, and I have way more energy than normal. I have lots stacked against me: I'm a shiftworker, and a poor family history (lots of cancer, heart and brain issues). Let's just see how long this lasts, shall we?

This week a friend and I are joining the gym, which means I get to buy new sneakers. Wahoo!

Canadian Psycho

Shift work is an employment practice designed to make use of the 24 hours of the clock, rather than a standard working day. The term shift work includes both long-term night shifts and work schedules in which employees change or rotate shifts.

Shift work shortens your life span. It increases your likelihood of developing diabetes, high blood pressure, chronic fatigue, depression, heart disease, family problems, on the job injuries, etc.

So why do it? Mostly cuz I have to. I don't work in the kind of environment that is able to just take care of itself when the normal world is sleeping. I have to do it, at least as long as I carry on as a Youth Care Worker, but I am quite aware of the adverse effects of this lifestyle. It makes you real messed up, man.

The worst shift turnover is when I work a night shift (say Thursday 11pm-7am) and then have to try and wake myself up Friday so I can get to bed at a reasonable hour because I work all day Saturday. It's not pretty. Last night I slept 2am-5:30am, worked all day today. Now I'll go home and stay up as late as I can because I'm working Sunday 7pm until Monday 7am... It's confusing...

Anyway, the point of this story is I'm tired. I didn't mind working only 7p shifts (night shifts, in youth care speak), because the switching back and forth really does me in. Then again I wouldn't wish four night shifts in a row on anyone.

I'm tough though... right?

Merry Christmas!

I dedicate this little diddy to Ruth... we listened to this countless times three Christmases ago, and I still loves it.

This Christmas I'm working from 7am-3pm... I'm torn as to whether or not I should open my presents before or after work. I'm thinking after, so I have something to look forward to.

What's it matter anyway? You're all eating turkey and rolling around in cranberry sauce.

Jerks.

For those of you still playing along... Hailey is still in the NICU, but at this point they're just waiting to do some tests (MRI) to see what's going on in her little head, and they can't do that until the swelling has gone down. She's off the anti-seizure meds and is responding well, though she's still pretty dopey. They had to shave some of her hair in order to put in a cental line, so she has a pretty funky hairdo (but still cute). It's just a waiting game now...

Merry Christmaskwanukkah to all and to all a goodnight!

No Time

Busy. Working 11 days straight (that means being here for 11 days, but I have a few nights off along the way.

No time to update either, or stay in touch, which stinks.

Here's what's up:

Small forest fire. Happens on the same day a watermain breaks and we're all out of water.
More threats. Kids are generally unruly.
More tornado warnings, but without the siren.
Got my SSN which means I can open a bank account the first day I have a weekday off. Which also means I can send people the money I owe (wink, wink)
Can start thinking about a car again.
Lot's of people are quitting work, seems to be an epidemic.
Tired, but not sick (like everyone else).
Got called in on my three day weekend (which means I'm here for 11 days).
Going to Tennessee for Christmas (which means I get to live out that Amy Grant song, cool eh?)

anywho, I'm getting the evil eye from some boss types, so I better get back to work. Sorry for the short update!

I Take it Back

Remember how I said the girls weren't that bad?

I take it all back. And if I had the technology, I'd go back in time and slap myself in the face.

They are not good. They are in fact, very, very bad. I got angry at them this weekend. I slammed a cup down on the table.

The only people I usually get mad at are family, as I am not typically an angry person. But these girls have become so incredibly frustrating. Before I continue, please keep in mind that I'm still happy with my job, but tend job I have comes with certain frustrations.

Since I arrived for my shift last Thursday the group has not been functionning. The two girls who are on a higher stage in the program (meaning they're the "leaders) are the loudest objectors. They fight me on absolutely everything.

As an example, yesterday morning (my last day of the shift, I had been there for 8 days with one night off): a girl in the other group was throwing up because she had a cyst that burst and an infection. We were at the dining hall and the supervisor asked my group to take them their breakfast. The girls refused to do it, adamantly refused.

And I got angry at them. They were just being so ridiculous and it was so frustrating!!!

There's just been tons of negative behavior. The group has been campsited, but since you don't know what that means and I don't have the desire to explain it you'll just have to understand that that's a pretty big consequence. I.e. the biggest one we can give.

They also hate me, and believe that I am there only to bring misery to their lives. I'm thinking of bringing them the pictures I have of the concentration camp I visited to give them an idea of what real misery would be like, but I doubt it'd have much effect.

One problem is the other group is functionning well, which means they get rewards. And when they are up dancing and listening to music and my group has to be in their beds, it is not a pretty picture.

I have been called a lot of things.

Oh yeah, and one girl said I was going to hell because of how I was treating them. Riiiight. And someone else wanted to smash my head in with a rock.

All in a days work my friends! All in a days work...

Other than that, things are going pretty well. I've been here almost two months and haven't really found a group of friends that I click with. You know how they say you can only find love once? I wonder if it's the same thing with finding best friends... cuz so far that's how the chips have fallen.

I'm hoping I'll be getting a new car sometime soon, but I still have to wait for a social security number. That darn bureaucracy, gets you every time!

What time it is?

One of my goals is to teach these girls how to speak properly. What time it is? Where that is? Who that is?

It drives me coo-coo.

That and no one can remember my name. I am now: Ms. Umm. Nice to meet you.

I just finished my first solo shift. They split the group in two, and I was a little disappointed that the other group got all the good leader types and I got the less than cooperative ladies, but so far things have been going quite well.

It's cotton time here in the Tennessee Valley, and the highways were lined with the flyaway cotton balls from the hundreds of trucks passing every by every day.

I've never seen cotton plants before, it's rather pretty. I'd like to get a closer look at the plants but haven't had a chance.

The fall is surprisingly beautiful here. I didn't think the trees would change as much as they have. The colour is different though, a more dusty rusty theme. There is still lots of wildlife around, we see several deer every night.

The girls have to wear an orange vest now so that we don't get confused as deer by the hunters.

I go back to work tomorrow for a four day shift. My co-counsellor will be there this weekend though, so it won't be so much on my shoulders. The weekends are usually the toughest, they have more free time because there's no school. They tend to riot on Sunday's.

Note to self: Compromise and graciousness is weakness. Now that there's two groups we've had to share and compromise a bit. They hate that.

I'm going to show them some veggietales and see how they react to that. Ha!

Tomorrow is payday. As soon as I get a social security number I can start seriously looking for a car. And je suis excited!

Alabama Church Adventure Part IV and Etcetera

Let's see, what have we been up to lately?

Well, there was that time when I was the primary counsellor and I kicked arse and the kids noticed. To clarify, I didn't actually kick anything, but I did keep the group well ahead of schedule.

In all honesty what I'm able to do with the group really counts for very little. If they want to "act the fool" as they say round here, then they are going to do everything in their power to do so. I just happened to get lucky and have them on a good day. I don't care, we got to bed at 7 pm. And yes, that is a reward.

I can't remember if I've already blogged that... and I don't want to check. But anywho.

So on Friday I had to find a cheque cashing place to cash my pay cheque because I haven't been able to open a bank account yet and Walmart doesn't cash hand written cheques. After trying a few places to no avail we were finally directed to a place conveniently designed for immigrants like myself. Here's how the conversation went (approximately). Try to see if you can pinpoint the moment when I started wigging out.

Me - "Hi, I'd like to cash this cheque."
Guy behind counter - "Sure, do you have any ID?"
Me - "Yup."
Guy - "Nova Scotia, wo, why the heck did you move here?"
Me - "For the job."
Guy - something about Alabama being the last place anyone would want to go
Guy - "So, do you have a boyfriend?" (if you guessed right now, you're about right)
Me in my head - "say yes, say yes, say yes, say yes"
Me out loud - "No."
Guy - "Well why not?"
Me - "I just moved here..."
Guy - "So, what would you say if I asked you out to dinner?"
Me in my head - "Holy crap. Where on earth am I???"
Me out loud - "Ummm, errrr, uhhh, no? I work a lot"
Guy - "Oh..."

Yes, this is a true story. No, that has never happened to me before. The most unfortunate part was that this happened at the beginning of my business transaction so the rest of the exchange was shrouded in an impenetrable cloud of awkwardness.

And as I'm walking to the car I realize that I just handed the guy a piece of paper with most of my vital information on it. Fortunately I don't know my own phone number yet, or else he probably would have tried to call...

This situation was so sketchy on so many levels. The business was located beside an adult video store, for one. The carpet smelled of urine and heaven knows what else and the guy was wearing a shirt akin to that of the comic book store owner on the Simpsons. That and any time someone asks you out on the other side of a plexiglass bullet proof window I'd be wary.

So, church this morning.

I went with a couple of co-workers to a place called Hope Community Church. There were three white people in the service. Me and my two co-workers.

Despite the obvious differences I didn't feel all that out of place. Of the three or four churches I've been to, I'd be most likely to return to that one. It just seemed more honest and less showy. The preacher was still a screacher, but he had more interesting things to say. Bascially the whole thing felt like the closing scene of "The Preacher's Wife". It was very energetic, very loud, and pretty fun.

I noted that the male to female ration was about 1 guy for every ten women, and there were far fewer SUV's in the parking lot.

I still need to find something else though... between the church with the full orchestra, the church with the crazy preacher and healings, the church with the rock star attitude, and the church with a groove I could never emulate, I'm kind of at a loss. Who knows where I'll end up next week!

It's been a slice, but I gotta get some laundry done. This is my last week of training. After this I have to at least fake that I know what I'm doing.

Wish me luck!

You don't know me for real

So today the true colours come out. More or less.

I'm not so big on their respect list. That's ok with me, I'll just take away their points. The thing that gets my goat the most is when they do the mocking Canadian accent thing... gawt dawg.

Anywho, it looks like I missed all the fun this weekend on my off shift. Apparently the girls went ape and there was a bit of a riot.

Today I realized that I've been waiting for all this craziness to pass over. Then I realized that it's crazy like this all the time. It'll take some getting used to, but as long as I can find a way to release this excess adrenaline, things should be fine.

That, and I get paid this week.

I heard some tough stories tonight. A child scared to go home. She'd rather be in a detention centre then face going home. And there's nothing I can do about it.

Prayer requests: I don't like asking cuz it feels selfish, but here's the issues du jour.

- My role is going to increase, and I'll be primary counsellor more and more. I need patience and intestinal fortitude.
- I need a car.
- Pray for the girls especially. They're so young and have so much to deal with. It blows my mind.